The following link is sent to me via email from my friend Dana:

The Bizarre Zoo in Lujan

Wait.

I get to play, up close, with lions and tigers and bears.

Oh my!

Animal rights people commenting on the above site say such treatment of these animals is shocking, horrible and inhumane.  But I simply can´t see past the awesomeness.

Immediately I google ¨Lujan¨ and discover it is basically a suburb of Buenos Aires, located just an hour away by bus.  Yearly, porteños make pilgrimages to Lujan to visit its Basilica, which was built to honor the patron saint of Buenos Aires.  Due to its hands-on policy with some of the fiercest of nature´s beasts, the zoo has rapidly become a close second in popularity.

Getting there presents one of the hardest challenges since my mother´s arrived.  Lujan is too far outside the city limits to be accessed by subway, bus or cab (short of dropping an obscene amount of money).  This requires travel to the once (meaning ¨eleven,¨ it is pronounced OHN-say) bus station to wait by the street for one of the hourly bus rides.  The next bus isn´t for forty minutes, but already there is a long line — likely longer than the amount of seats available on each bus.

Sitting in the very front of the bus on the way to Lujan

At one point, a shady character walks over and stands directly in front of me, clearly cutting in line.  I call him on it and he explains something in lightning-fast Spanish to me before turning around like his explanation was good enough.  I´ve got no clue what he said, but I know how to say ¨I don´t care.  Go away,¨ and apparently it is enough, as he walks back to the rear of the line.  It´s the small victories in life, really…

The bus fills with a good twenty people still ahead of us in line.  Suddenly, several people break out of line, speak with the bus driver and enter the bus.  I´m not sure what´s happening, but don´t want to wait for an hour, so I drag my mother upwards to the front of the line to inquire.  Turns out you can ride the bus if you don´t mind standing, though at this point it´s almost at capacity.  I ask if he can take two more and the driver reluctantly agrees, leaving me seated by the steps at the entrance of the bus.

Lujan´s Basilica

It´s a long, tedious ride, standing much of the way to Lujan, but it will all be worth it when I sit upon the lion of Lujan, thus making the king of the jungle, effectively, ¨my bitch.¨

The zoo is located just past city limits.  I note the signs as we pass, but don´t realize until too late that it would´ve been possible to be dropped off there, rather than carted 15 minutes further into the town center where a further cab ride would be required.  We lunch in Lujan and give the Basilica a solid 15 seconds of viewing time before moving on to the main event.

At the entrance, we´re given devestating news: A law passed less than a week prior prohibits contact between patrons and the lions, tigers, bears, cheetahs and pumas of Lujan.  I am devestated.

¨[You can still ride the camel.  Camel is allowed!]¨ says the attendant in Spanish.

My eyes burn through a spot in the center of his forehead.

¨¡No me gusta!¨

He shrugs.

Epic mission failure.  Without the possibility of foolishly risking my life for a photo op, this place is just a zoo.

Zookeepers will still take your camera into the pens to get close-ups of the deadly animals. Look, pal, if I want a shot of a lion that isn´t potentially about to ravage me, I can get that from google images.

This camel is notorious for biting the hands off of zoo visitors. Just kidding. He is completely non-threatening, and thus worthless to me.

Yay. More seals. As I am not a penguin, I feel no danger here.

A woman plays with one of the younger lions. This seems to be part of the training process that prepares them for not immediately mauling human patrons.

Ok, fine. These guys are adorable. I lent the guy my camera and tried to get into the background, though he didn´t get it and only managed to capture my two hands in the picture.

My mother and I, resting on the way back to the center of Buenos Aires.